obligation

i have not the

luxury

to dream of

death

that final phase that

bolstered breath

that moment when it

all has left

but i've left now

i'm broken

i cannot dream of 

sweet escape

of wretched wrench

or

sweetened scrape

i cannot feed that

fettered snake

of moment gone

to break

pity me not

i am so great

among the greats I've

sealed my fate

i have not loss

or lust of slate

for i have gone

unspoken

would i be just once alone

alone with what I

might have known

for when it's gone

and when I've grown

far past the

thoughts i

owned

i tried to plant a sickened tree

but bore its fruits

and bore its fee

and now for now I try to see

all that

that could not

be

i care

you think i am a 

narcissist

you wonder if that's

true

you wonder why my

feelings

feelings

don't belong to

you

you wonder why my

thoughts

are not 

of red and

roses

violets blue

you wonder and

you ponder and

you

fruitlessly cons

-true

and so allow me to

enlighten you

my pompous pratty friend

allow me for

a moment to

beleaguer you

to

a bend

and if it stands to

reason

reason

standing on the 

mend

i hate to have to tell you

and i hate to have this

penned

but here we are my

darling

and here we are my

dear

i care an awful lot about

those people

child person

that I rear

and so you must

excuse me

if I do not

shed a tear 

for your sorrows and

your troubles and

i do not lend an 

ear

you've sensed a whole and

lofty truth

thought of it

stare a few

i care a lot my darling

i just 

don't care

a lot

for you. 

Don't say

I've often noted

how men have fetishized

my mind.

Which is fine, really

If it's the mind

You want

Less fine

I find

When you want it

up on your shelf

a collection piece

a statement piece

A piece

to speak

to the quality of your

acquisitions

as it were

were it not for

the fact that

that's me

all I am

all I have

I guess that

would be

could be 

fine.

Still, I go on

In the ever increasing

stillness and

un fullfilled ness of

my mind

ever spinning

winning

a race I've never run

or spun a 

tapestry at

gun

point

still . . .

Am I any better?

Is what I do

How I use

people to

get to 

get through my 

end?

I bend 

the rules of ethics I 

so religiously defend

so don't lend

me a pen

I'll write away your friends

your ends

matter not . . .

cannot contend

until my need to 

extend

my heavy

steady

burdened bend

so run, dear friend

fly and flee

don't ever

think of

thinking 

me

For all I am 

and all I'll be

is lonely 

only 

company

for women try

and women pray

to play or

stay an

other day

and if I 

couldn't 

shouldn't say

I love you

Just today.

No Daughter of Israel

shall be a 

har

lot.

Perhaps this isn't referring to a

lot

of sex

at all.

Perhaps it's of the horror of how we

the way in which we

whore out

the whole of

our minds.

Sell our souls for

a bit of schar

make men's means to

make their beds

and as we're bleeding

bleeding

bled

make their means and

make their beds

end.

To their schemes

our dreams

have led

And in pro seed

dings of the dead

cum forth seeding

weeding

wed

Survivor

The relationship is intrinsically abusive

when the dynamic of power is

uneven.

shifted

slanted

in the direction of 

the smarter

the more powerful

the stronger, harder, longer

Survivor

Who could chew you up

and spit you out

and still have another

for dessert

You cannot compare

cannot hope to compete

with the meat

with which I

pick my

teeth

You don't know

cannot know

what it is to be 

free

fleeing

flinged

by me

on the wire

ride my fire

feel desire

Climb so 

high so

ever higher

Taste my body don't

touch my prior

scars and

mars and

mason jars. Where 

I store the hearts

in gorey parts

the carnage of

mens dear departs

Don't come close

I warn you.

Don't come near

my dear

Don't woo a woman

who feels no fear.

She'll burn you up

and leave you drowned

and before you've even

turned around

She's off there with

another

Beautiful Mind

Have you relished for a moment

In the majesty of truth

Have you trifled for a token

Of dear Holmes’ hearty sleuth

And in so doing ravaged

Like a warewolf’s bleating blooth

For The deep pulsated paradox

Of knowledge sweetened tooth 

Come hither to me darling 

As you play with knowledge near

Come closer to me, angel

As you close upon the rear

Of the moonlight in the morning

Deftly whisper in my ear

Of the magic of the morrow 

Of the magic that you hear

For your eyes are lightened, glistened

Sparkling ever through the night 

And if but for a moment, listened

To the deafness of your flight

Still I stand here now, so awed now

In the meadow of your mind

And I wonder if you falter

Will you leave me far behind

And I wonder at the alter

Will you keep me there, in mind

And I wonder as you halt her

Will you halt all that you find

And I pray that when you halt her

You will revel in your find

And I pray that when you halt her

You won’t leave me far behind

Thank Gd

Thank Gd for my freedom

Thank Gd for my soul

Thank Gd for this moment

and the muse that

makes me whole

Thank Gd for the 

wondrous wrapped up

wrinkle in the bowl

Of tomorrows medley soup thing

breaking bread

and salty fowl

Thank Gd for the memories

Memories cannot

hold me deep

Be king rivers

dare to keep

silent whispers

in the deep

creep-like sleep

the parakeet

that cannot speak

a beat

like miep

with secrets

now to 

keep

Thank Gd

I am 

lonely

Lonely arms

in

to the 

night

Gd alone has 

given me

the hunger 

that I 

fight

And as i 

ride the

river

weighing paths of

wrong and 

right

I wonder 

in your 

freedom

have you ever 

thought to

fight

or did the 

moments

bleed some 

and

send you

into

fright

Did you want more

than you read

come and

show me

what to

write

i cannot move

the pen

but for

the 

music

taking 

flight

Today was some

thing

dreadful

Today was 

some

thing 

real

So why 

can't I

break free off

all the 

sadness

that I

feel

If I

succumb

to 

sorrow

and

acknowledge

its ap

peal

I doom my

self to

know

ledge

and the

pain of its

re

veal

I doom my

self as

call

ledge

dooms it

self

and yet con

seals

The child life

around me,

it isn't an i'd

deal

I alone have

problems,

and a parent's

movie

reel

But that's not true for

problems

that 

require you to

feel

The marriage now

is 

over

The mare

ridge now is

dead

the marriage of de

nial

draping on our

mare

ridge

bed

The mare

ridge ends in 

try ale

and the 

sea crits that we

said

Despite the

ticking di

al

that your

turning

fingers

led

Until you

did it 

once

too much

and

vanished

in your 

stead

It's over now for

ever

over now and

i am

fine

I'm not

fine

but that is

fine

for the

fine

can never

shine

The light of some

one's

sorrow

as she

drowns her

woes in

wine

And in so 

doing

morrow

leaves a 

trail of

pain 

behind

To Match

Is it not lovely

when heart matches mind

when all that which is searching

is falling behind

and all that's left laughing

is searching so blind

like deadly deep daftly

like bind -

ing gone to whence it came

but I will never be the same

for when can ever be a shame

as dark and deep a drain

as when we turn to fear or fame

or fortune of the frame

Can it be a leg would last

or shedding off a deeper cast

like golden glove

like fractured glass

that cannot end

in brass

hopping wrong like death escaped

in sympathy I'm finally draped

but they know not the ladies raped

in waking wraths of grapes

I cannot pray but what I feel

and wondering if I was real

when I screamed and begged and bathed a meal

of bloodied studied veal

to heal concealed that's so surreal

a moment's glance but for to steal

a deadly dance to deal

a mother's moment to reveal

beneath what she was wearing

staring 

a poet's poem prayer-ing

and trying deep despair-ing

cometh forth for long time tearing

but tomorrow never caring

came through anyway.

A Whim

So now, a flex: I just had sex

and don't know how to feel

I feel it here beneath my bones

but wondering was it real

I cannot think or scarcely breathe

To breathe that is to feel

the deathly dread beneath my skin

the sheets cannot reveal

A dread of bed whilst yet unwed

as do all daughters deal

there is a toxic yearning waste

a wasted wrathly peel

So still I sit and stir and steep

my steeping stir surreal

why alas the night does pass

in passing does conceal

where I've not dared to look, alas

so crass this heart of steel

should I not care or feel a brass

too fast; too fast I feel

I feel it here and everywhere

but closeness, no I don't 

I don't know what to say or why

I stay so firm afloat

I feel perhaps a bit unclean

a wash resistant coat

but here I stand and do not glean

the richness as I gloat

I've don't the deed! I have been fucked!

To fuck so fucked again

I will be fucking now with those

those many steady men

for better or for worse, my heart

my heart is on the mend

but matters not what my heart's got

forgot not, it's pretend

remember now my reason why

my one all means' end

and so to fuck I'll fucking fly

the length my needs extend

I'd like to cum here, here and now

to cum here by his hand

to lust the very greed, I found

myself with empty gland

He's not fulfilled my need

so here I stand and grumbling grim

I wonder why I've done the deed

Why now? why this, why him?

Perhaps but for a fortune's creed

In climbing clitoral stim

I'll end this poem like his seed

My why was just a whim.

you want the pain

They don't tell you that you like it

when he throws you to the ground

around

you don't know you want it when you're bleeding till you drown

you found

that you want it and you hold on to the pain

means he loves you

means he can't bleed without your veins

and stains on the relationship ain't enough to drain

the rain washing away the grain-y sands in your eyes numb to the pain

his lidocaine

alright but he wants you unrestrained

Now you know that you want it as he's grabbing at your throat

the most

anybody wanted was to toss you off the boat

you won't

lose his love, its poison it's great

but he won't look at you till the moment

he's gonna kill you

that's your fate

you're gonna die by his hands

the hands that loved you

touched you

you can't get more

that manicure is gonna cost you

the costume

memorize the corner of the death room

he's gonna end it

end your pain

and you want it

want his love though it's a sewage drain

can't complain

he's hysterical, he's insane

and you love it

cuz you're worthless

no one wants you

you're just lucky he'll spit at you

he has to touch you when he comes through

love or hate, it's touch

touch is great

so you take it

keep on coming back for more

no one tells you that there's nothing that you're taking it all for

you love him, so you take it over and over as before

cuz at least he touched you

hit the floor

For Her

Enslave me

Deprave me

Knock the devils that crave me

Lock me in dungeons and dig me a grave, see

But know I did right by my baby.

Fear is a fighting word

A righting word

A look them in the eye as the monsters are biting, lord

A turn around and run but you're tied to them by a cord

The lifeblood that they provide you

Question my mind, my mind is a blur

I cannot conceive of a world without her

So I keep fighting on through the cold icy brr

That freezes my mind and I stir

It no longer matters if I'm right or wrong

Good and bad have no place, and here I don't belong

In my heart, someone's screaming I've known all along

Her safety alone is what matters

I cry in the night all alone counting sheep

But I'll manage alone, I will manage to keep

Brewing and bustling the stew that I steep

Sure I'll take off the edge, perhaps I will sleep

With him, cuz he doesn't matter

I'd do about anything

Anything goes

I'd murder by millions

I'd fight righteous foes

Descend to hell's fires, I'd relish the blows

So long as I'm sure of her safety

So here is my song, little one, little dear

I swear on my life, you've got nothing to fear

For my life is nothing, a speck in the rear

view of the you that is so much, so new

So much greater and grander, so do not confuse

My plight and my fight as what's being "what's right"

Right matters not. Nothing matters but you

Death

What is death

A moment’s thrill

To swallowing a loathsome pill

And in the darkness holding still

Tomorrows come unbroken

Until death comes

Till death us part

For swimming in a savaged heart

Gives not beyond the beckoned start 

For starting words unspoken

Death is but a long retreat

Until the end our path doth meet

And still so cold beneath my feet

I walk till I’ve awoken

Therein lies death’s clever hand

A wandering soul, a contraband

A stranger in a strange new land

A heart of mighty folk sin

So give me quiet death I fear

I fear the moment beckons near

And in my heart I face the rear

For quiet moons, a cloak n’

Dagger in the moonlight

A dance for lovers’ spoon might

Be far to light a room, fight

For breath, for word unspoken

Sometimes I want the quiet night

When blinding light is just too bright

I find I’m taking no delight

In walking. I am broken

Hunger

Gallant is the hunter

Gallant is the sheep

Gallant is the honer of the secrets that you keep

Grievous is the fortune teller's tune that you bequeath

She fills her sorrow's sonder with the gallows of her grief

Hungry is the widow

Hungry is the farm

Hungry is the lonely lover's gallant waiting arm

Held at latitude so long to long along the way

He stands there till tomorrow standing yet another day

Hopeless is the hungry

Hopeless is the small

Hopeless is the mother lying laughing in the stall

Wayside sits her child barely walking for to crawl

Until she too is beckoned as she wanders in the hall

Tomorrow none are hopeless

Tomorrow's what we seek

Tomorrow all the hungry gather forth with forks of meat

And dig their hands in stoutly stew

To eat they'll take the heat

And as it burns their fingers, they'll feel it for a beat

And as the burning lingers, here comes the gallant feat

For bell tones buying ringers, morrow's lost in long retreat

Cold

My loneliness burns cold and deep

An endless brew left now to steep

Upon the wandering window's keep

For now she stands in mourning

Be not far from whence I stand

There is a mouth, an arm, a hand

A vaguely vacant contraband

Who cannot shake his scorning

Give me something new to hold

Lest I lose as fear unfolds

And nerve leaves cool from hands so cold

My hands are cold till morning

Light

There is a deep obscuring mesh

that covers me as earthy flesh

I yearn to know, to hold, to seek

the endless secrets that you keep

Does not a sailor's ocean way

Dream as you yield your yesterday

To gaze in light that's travelled far

ancient light of distant star

I look up now in earthly plea

and drink your eldest hungrily

Time and space bend paths you pave

perhaps they, too, your secrets crave

Hold me now in starry light

of deepest blue I see tonight

I realize now through poem penned

to beg your truth I am condemned

Naivete

Indeed you are self righteous

in assertions of your truths

You may believe your ethics

be they small and so uncouth

So sip your sweetened mocktail

use my heart as your vermouth

And alas there is no trouble

for in trouble there is truth

Build your walls of holy fortitude

Pray hard now for your soul

On the mountain there is solitude

Pure of body, fractioned soul

So I sit here now, still lonely

And I wonder, when you fall

Will you think back on this moment?

Will you think of me at all?

There was no me, not ever

unblemished hands don't touch, you see

When faced with your desire

You forgot there is a me

A friend you never were

Friend, no you could never be

For when faced with your desire

You chose your hunger over me

And in scalding passions fire

We could never ever be

We tangoed ever higher

Up that gingko kink go tree

So afraid to lose, sweet liar

Sure is good you don't like me

Sing the hymns in righteous choir

But I've left. You won't find me.

- written on 07/02/23 -

My love

 written 05/10/23 at 10:42 p.m.

I love him

but i'm tired

i love him

but it's true

Truth cannot fix the death threats

of a burning boiling hue

I have tried and longed to love him

Tried to hold him in the night

But he robbed my of my candle

to illuminate his flight

and so, goodnight my darling

tarry not, for not I'll wait

in the darkness there are monsters

gently tapping on the gate

in the darkness there are monsters

so goodnight, my love, it's late

in the darkness there are monsters

goodbye my love. Too late.

Cradle

 Cradle rocks

that bough that breaks

and takes the very sound it makes

into my heart, my body aches

I retch and sketch a canvas blank

the bough, alas, is broken

Cradle rocks

and mocks my sleep

so long that song, a staircase deep

and yet I lie here counting sheep

I creep and leap up to my feet

But no child has awoken

Cradle rocks

but cradles' still

it was because a womb should fill

unless it be a higher will

that she's not fit; her womb would kill

to life it will not open

Cradle rocks

and children breathe

they are the future i believe

and so, no future i conceive

it is quite lonely to seethe and grieve

a life that could not be

Monsters

I wrote this on 07/01/2020 at 2:53 a.m.

Women who had survived what I survived reached out to me. It illuminated memories I had blacked out, and I wrote this.

 I want to tell you a story about monsters

wrongsters

People try to cripple those who talk sirs

Monsters 

Lady walking tall taking a wrong turn

Stop her

She's about bleed because he wants her

drop, burn

He's so far away 

But he's so deep inside my brain

Like an on and on refrain

Just pain

Try to hide but life's a moving train

no rain

stains

splashing down a window pain

like hein-

ous crimes and chimes I whine

and blame

He took me as an addition to his collection

Told me my eyes told lies for his reflection

mirror-black 

like crack

for others' deep inspection

never stopping for internal correction

I was but a tool for him to better serve his ego

we go

on and on, a dizzy wizzy freak show

It's me though

my body, my mind for him to use so

abuse so

say the word, my job is to amuse so

I believed every word he ever told me

I would have died

and lied

I cried for him to show me

Until the day he ordered me with "blow me".

And I cried that night

oh I cried that night

I cried I cried I cried that night 

cuz the game was up

I had to fight

Had to live one more day, living on pure spite

My imagination to control, gave me a new sight

But in my heart, I knew that  coffee didn't brew right

But he's dead, and I'm alive

He's dead, I'm not his prize

He's dead, and I have opened up my eyes

I've found truth

so uncouth

but I've pulled a bloody tooth

I have grown

full blown

past the anger and unknown

and I hate

oh, I hate

how I've had to close that gate

I thought I was so great

But there's bloodstains on my plate.

I didn't as for this war, but lord I'll fight it

There's no choice, nowhere to run and hide

never mind

Fuck that, I'll fight it

I have a goal now, a purpose

I'm worth it.

By the scar that marks my body

G/d I've earned it

Every scream, Lord I'll redeem

because I heard it