Hate

I hate my

sister.

it feels weird to write that

oddly cathartic

and to me

lethargic

in denial of the

in fear of the

the singular solitary truth but there

it is

i hate her

in my bones

to my bones

to the depths of me

i hate her

never knew hatred

not really

and i hate myself

for my hatred

for hating

her

but i do

for her selfishness

for her clue

lessness

for her

cruelty

for her lack of regard

for me

for

my daughter

my daughter

my daughter

i don't care

i never cared how

she was

she is

to me

but my duaghter

my daughter's safety

fuck her

fuck her

truly

deeply

fuck her

she fucking sucks

and i fucking hate her

burn her

purge her

from my life

from my soul

fuck her

i'll burn the world

burn the world for

my daughter

and her?

and she?

why is she

why is she

why is she so cruel to me

why could it never ever be

a friend she's not

could never be

for all she has

and all she'll be

is she

and so

perhaps i'm crippled

perhaps i'm frail

perhaps i've lapsed and

passed the pail

and in the moement

as i've failed

to be for her

for her to be

a sister, mister

travesty

but she has chosen now 

has not chosen

me

and if she's chosen

let it be

by her choice only

let it be

it is not

is not

not with me

i see

i cannot force

cannot hope to make

her do

or true

-ly no mistake

so make it not

and watch it break

the fake re-

late -tionship that we've 

staked

now on everything

every wake

-ening and 

break -ening

off the breaks

i cannot be

will no longer fake

that fate 

my plate

it bears

the tears

and errs

the scrapes

the scrapes

of waste

of long gone grate

the love

has gone

the love

abate

-ed. I stand here now

a mocking freight

i stand her now

scars marr my plate

i stand here now

and stand a -wait

i stand 

can't stand

can't stand the weight

but

i stand here now.
i hate

Real Talk.

Okay. I’m real now. 

I’m back to basics. To who I am. Who, really I am.

No more rhymes. No more schemes. No more ripping at the seams.

It’s me. 

Just me.

Is that okay? I guess it better be. 

I mean

If it’s not, there’s not really anything to be done

About it.

If you don’t like me

As I am

Then I shouldn’t waste my time

Really

See, that’s the thing

I have no fear, sure

As long as I’m wearing

A mask

Because you can’t hurt me

If you don’t 

See me

Not really

Because, you see

It’s not me

You see

So you can’t hurt me

Because it isn’t me.

Not really 

Me.

Me doesn’t let you in

Doesn’t have to

Need to

Want to

Me doesn’t have to like you 

Most likely doesn’t

Me doesn’t waste time

You see

So I’m done

Done pretending

Done working my ass off 

To be

What exactly?

Perfect

Perfect for who?

For you?

I don’t care about you

I don’t even

Like 

You

But I’m afraid

I guess

Maybe

That if you see

Me

If I let you 

See me

Really 

Then you lose

I choose to lose

Your 

Utility

Your utility

To me

To take off the edge

As it were

Make me feel sexy

Sexier

But I don’t need you

Anymore

So here

I am.

No rhymes.

Just me.

It sucks out here.

Sucks so hard

I want to retch

Sucks harder than a whore on a trucker’s bench

Sucks worse than the worst yet vomit stench

That I passed

On my way

Home from the hospital

Today

But

You didn’t need to know that

Sucks 

Sucks truly

Sucks deeply

Like deep fucking shitty shittiness

I’m

Alone

So fucking alone

Broke too

And a failure

And a

Fraud

And a

Loser

And a 

Liar

And God

Did I do the right thing?

What did I do?

What have I done?

I’m trying to protect my kid

But I’m so fucking full of self doubt.

But see, 

I don’t need to

Like myself

I don’t need you

To like me

I just need to keep going

For her

Keep putting one foot

One toe

One sliver

Cell

Keratin nail bed

In front of the other

And maybe

Just maybe

That’s enough.

Heart

You held

a heart

And sewed

it deep

So deep

so steeped 

such prince

-ly pleat

And here       I stand

And here        I sleep

Un til        the dawn

Til mourning

You sewed        a heart

And watched        it break

And 'fore

to mar        -rows wretch        -ed wake

When all        is said

And all        is faked

A heart

Doth mar

-tyrs make

oh what        a heart

To hold        a beat

A beat        too neat 

to take        a seat

And if

I hol        -ler in        your keep

My heart        is morse        -ly meek

I want you now

My heart is vain

I guess        I’ll ne        -ver be        the same

And when you come

Just like I came

I'll beg

you neg 

you flame

I beg you heart

To hold me near

To bold        -ly break 

and comm        -an -dear

This heart that calls 

you. stalls        you near

Don’t hes        -i-tate

For fear

For fear of heart

Gives you        a-way 

There is        no pause

There in        the fray

The li        -ons pit

Of ghas        -tly gray

Just fold        your hands

And pray

Your hands

Those hands

To hold        a heart

To hold        my hand

here in        the dark

For now

I fear

I fear 

a spark

I feel

you feel 

your heart

Sun

Sun oh sun

Oh sun my sun

Tickle beneath me

on the run

Let me soar

through your

horizon

Let me sail you

on the run

Run right through me

through my veins

as though I'll never

be the same

If you love me

Let it rain

Rain upon me 

Sun again