Monday, January 22, 2024

Real Talk.

Okay. I’m real now. 

I’m back to basics. To who I am. Who, really I am.

No more rhymes. No more schemes. No more ripping at the seams.

It’s me. 

Just me.


Is that okay? I guess it better be. 

I mean

If it’s not, there’s not really anything to be done

About it.


If you don’t like me

As I am

Then I shouldn’t waste my time

Really


See, that’s the thing

I have no fear, sure

As long as I’m wearing

A mask


Because you can’t hurt me

If you don’t 

See me

Not really

Because, you see

It’s not me

You see

So you can’t hurt me

Because it isn’t me.


Not really 

Me.


Me doesn’t let you in

Doesn’t have to

Need to

Want to


Me doesn’t have to like you 

Most likely doesn’t

Me doesn’t waste time

You see


So I’m done

Done pretending

Done working my ass off 

To be


What exactly?


Perfect

Perfect for who?

For you?

I don’t care about you

I don’t even

Like 

You


But I’m afraid

I guess

Maybe

That if you see

Me

If I let you 

See me

Really 

Then you lose

I choose to lose

Your 

Utility


Your utility

To me


To take off the edge

As it were


Make me feel sexy

Sexier


But I don’t need you

Anymore


So here


I am.



No rhymes.


Just me.


It sucks out here.

Sucks so hard

I want to retch

Sucks harder than a whore on a trucker’s bench

Sucks worse than the worst yet vomit stench

That I passed

On my way

Home from the hospital

Today

But


You didn’t need to know that


Sucks 

Sucks truly

Sucks deeply

Like deep fucking shitty shittiness

I’m

Alone


So fucking alone


Broke too


And a failure


And a


Fraud


And a


Loser


And a 


Liar


And God


Did I do the right thing?


What did I do?

What have I done?


I’m trying to protect my kid

But I’m so fucking full of self doubt.


But see, 

I don’t need to

Like myself


I don’t need you

To like me


I just need to keep going

For her


Keep putting one foot

One toe

One sliver

Cell

Keratin nail bed

In front of the other

And maybe

Just maybe


That’s enough.

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