The Cardiac Cycle

Chapter One...

...

Myocardial

.

contraction.

...

she holds him gently

to her breast

phase naught

she whispers

breath unrest

and yet he smiles

gentle jest

phase naught

is nothing

yet

the salty sweat of

sweet remains

oh Na

she sends

her salty flames

not yet she says

salt in her veins

until at last

twenty minutes passed

and now, alas

alas how crass

how crass that now

the time should pass

and pass it comes

it comes 

at last

at last the first phase shall begin

begin to win that sultry skin

to penetrate and peeling pin

bananas out

banana sin

tis out

tis out

to win

to win

in sin

in gentle climb

phase two so sweet

simply devine

like ice cream

sultry with her wine

and banana in her

growing

that steady state

that plateaud hill

until at last

she wants more still

and then, phase three

it's rough

it's real

it's building

harder

higher

he jams her now

he jams her hard

and now to plow

give with no guard

banana large

bananas out

banana firm

a banana stout

until at last

no more

she shouts

she shudders

she shudders lightly

lightly kiss

and now to lie

in lovers bliss

an ice cream bath

of sweet remiss

and up and down

yes. this

and up and down

in passive waves

through Gaps the neighbors

neighbors craves

craves yet again

again some more

but dear there's so much yet in store

my dear we've just cum

to phase four

and lust and lust

you lust for more?

she lusts naught

not phase

four

...

Chapter Two.

...

Pacemaker cell

.

Action potential

...

And what of him?

his story reads

what did he feel

his fill, his seed

well, different, surely

as he leads

he leads her forth

contraction

well, his phase naught

we know too well

there is no salt

there is no spell of

hesitation

know too well

he is not coy

he fell

fell to her hunger

oh so sweet

sex-Ty on the mind

a threshold beat

but she says 'Na' in salty bleat

but he hears

'it's on'.

she's in retreat

naught phase, his ice cream

sweet

so sweet

and now, it's out

bananas on

he skips right over

two and one

for him they're boring

not as fun

phase three

phase three

it's on

and on

and on

until at last

banana's ramming

ramming fast

ramming hard

and then

it's passed

three's gone

he's cum

at last

phase four

he softens, furrows his brow

the only time he'd 'Na' is now

salt has its day

now in his bliss

that limits what can

and cannot kiss

the rate of her

he's not limitless

and so she waits

his bliss

and on and on

it goes again

in cycling dance

a dance, ya ken?

ya ken it happens

yet again

he sets the pace

her hunger fed

she tightens

heightens

lub dub

again

Hate

I hate my

sister.

it feels weird to write that

oddly cathartic

and to me

lethargic

in denial of the

in fear of the

the singular solitary truth but there

it is

i hate her

in my bones

to my bones

to the depths of me

i hate her

never knew hatred

not really

and i hate myself

for my hatred

for hating

her

but i do

for her selfishness

for her clue

lessness

for her

cruelty

for her lack of regard

for me

for

my daughter

my daughter

my daughter

i don't care

i never cared how

she was

she is

to me

but my duaghter

my daughter's safety

fuck her

fuck her

truly

deeply

fuck her

she fucking sucks

and i fucking hate her

burn her

purge her

from my life

from my soul

fuck her

i'll burn the world

burn the world for

my daughter

and her?

and she?

why is she

why is she

why is she so cruel to me

why could it never ever be

a friend she's not

could never be

for all she has

and all she'll be

is she

and so

perhaps i'm crippled

perhaps i'm frail

perhaps i've lapsed and

passed the pail

and in the moement

as i've failed

to be for her

for her to be

a sister, mister

travesty

but she has chosen now 

has not chosen

me

and if she's chosen

let it be

by her choice only

let it be

it is not

is not

not with me

i see

i cannot force

cannot hope to make

her do

or true

-ly no mistake

so make it not

and watch it break

the fake re-

late -tionship that we've 

staked

now on everything

every wake

-ening and 

break -ening

off the breaks

i cannot be

will no longer fake

that fate 

my plate

it bears

the tears

and errs

the scrapes

the scrapes

of waste

of long gone grate

the love

has gone

the love

abate

-ed. I stand here now

a mocking freight

i stand her now

scars marr my plate

i stand here now

and stand a -wait

i stand 

can't stand

can't stand the weight

but

i stand here now.
i hate

Real Talk.

Okay. I’m real now. 

I’m back to basics. To who I am. Who, really I am.

No more rhymes. No more schemes. No more ripping at the seams.

It’s me. 

Just me.

Is that okay? I guess it better be. 

I mean

If it’s not, there’s not really anything to be done

About it.

If you don’t like me

As I am

Then I shouldn’t waste my time

Really

See, that’s the thing

I have no fear, sure

As long as I’m wearing

A mask

Because you can’t hurt me

If you don’t 

See me

Not really

Because, you see

It’s not me

You see

So you can’t hurt me

Because it isn’t me.

Not really 

Me.

Me doesn’t let you in

Doesn’t have to

Need to

Want to

Me doesn’t have to like you 

Most likely doesn’t

Me doesn’t waste time

You see

So I’m done

Done pretending

Done working my ass off 

To be

What exactly?

Perfect

Perfect for who?

For you?

I don’t care about you

I don’t even

Like 

You

But I’m afraid

I guess

Maybe

That if you see

Me

If I let you 

See me

Really 

Then you lose

I choose to lose

Your 

Utility

Your utility

To me

To take off the edge

As it were

Make me feel sexy

Sexier

But I don’t need you

Anymore

So here

I am.

No rhymes.

Just me.

It sucks out here.

Sucks so hard

I want to retch

Sucks harder than a whore on a trucker’s bench

Sucks worse than the worst yet vomit stench

That I passed

On my way

Home from the hospital

Today

But

You didn’t need to know that

Sucks 

Sucks truly

Sucks deeply

Like deep fucking shitty shittiness

I’m

Alone

So fucking alone

Broke too

And a failure

And a

Fraud

And a

Loser

And a 

Liar

And God

Did I do the right thing?

What did I do?

What have I done?

I’m trying to protect my kid

But I’m so fucking full of self doubt.

But see, 

I don’t need to

Like myself

I don’t need you

To like me

I just need to keep going

For her

Keep putting one foot

One toe

One sliver

Cell

Keratin nail bed

In front of the other

And maybe

Just maybe

That’s enough.

Heart

You held

a heart

And sewed

it deep

So deep

so steeped 

such prince

-ly pleat

And here       I stand

And here        I sleep

Un til        the dawn

Til mourning

You sewed        a heart

And watched        it break

And 'fore

to mar        -rows wretch        -ed wake

When all        is said

And all        is faked

A heart

Doth mar

-tyrs make

oh what        a heart

To hold        a beat

A beat        too neat 

to take        a seat

And if

I hol        -ler in        your keep

My heart        is morse        -ly meek

I want you now

My heart is vain

I guess        I’ll ne        -ver be        the same

And when you come

Just like I came

I'll beg

you neg 

you flame

I beg you heart

To hold me near

To bold        -ly break 

and comm        -an -dear

This heart that calls 

you. stalls        you near

Don’t hes        -i-tate

For fear

For fear of heart

Gives you        a-way 

There is        no pause

There in        the fray

The li        -ons pit

Of ghas        -tly gray

Just fold        your hands

And pray

Your hands

Those hands

To hold        a heart

To hold        my hand

here in        the dark

For now

I fear

I fear 

a spark

I feel

you feel 

your heart

Sun

Sun oh sun

Oh sun my sun

Tickle beneath me

on the run

Let me soar

through your

horizon

Let me sail you

on the run

Run right through me

through my veins

as though I'll never

be the same

If you love me

Let it rain

Rain upon me 

Sun again

obligation

i have not the

luxury

to dream of

death

that final phase that

bolstered breath

that moment when it

all has left

but i've left now

i'm broken

i cannot dream of 

sweet escape

of wretched wrench

or

sweetened scrape

i cannot feed that

fettered snake

of moment gone

to break

pity me not

i am so great

among the greats I've

sealed my fate

i have not loss

or lust of slate

for i have gone

unspoken

would i be just once alone

alone with what I

might have known

for when it's gone

and when I've grown

far past the

thoughts i

owned

i tried to plant a sickened tree

but bore its fruits

and bore its fee

and now for now I try to see

all that

that could not

be

i care

you think i am a 

narcissist

you wonder if that's

true

you wonder why my

feelings

feelings

don't belong to

you

you wonder why my

thoughts

are not 

of red and

roses

violets blue

you wonder and

you ponder and

you

fruitlessly cons

-true

and so allow me to

enlighten you

my pompous pratty friend

allow me for

a moment to

beleaguer you

to

a bend

and if it stands to

reason

reason

standing on the 

mend

i hate to have to tell you

and i hate to have this

penned

but here we are my

darling

and here we are my

dear

i care an awful lot about

those people

child person

that I rear

and so you must

excuse me

if I do not

shed a tear 

for your sorrows and

your troubles and

i do not lend an 

ear

you've sensed a whole and

lofty truth

thought of it

stare a few

i care a lot my darling

i just 

don't care

a lot

for you. 

Don't say

I've often noted

how men have fetishized

my mind.

Which is fine, really

If it's the mind

You want

Less fine

I find

When you want it

up on your shelf

a collection piece

a statement piece

A piece

to speak

to the quality of your

acquisitions

as it were

were it not for

the fact that

that's me

all I am

all I have

I guess that

would be

could be 

fine.

Still, I go on

In the ever increasing

stillness and

un fullfilled ness of

my mind

ever spinning

winning

a race I've never run

or spun a 

tapestry at

gun

point

still . . .

Am I any better?

Is what I do

How I use

people to

get to 

get through my 

end?

I bend 

the rules of ethics I 

so religiously defend

so don't lend

me a pen

I'll write away your friends

your ends

matter not . . .

cannot contend

until my need to 

extend

my heavy

steady

burdened bend

so run, dear friend

fly and flee

don't ever

think of

thinking 

me

For all I am 

and all I'll be

is lonely 

only 

company

for women try

and women pray

to play or

stay an

other day

and if I 

couldn't 

shouldn't say

I love you

Just today.

No Daughter of Israel

shall be a 

har

lot.

Perhaps this isn't referring to a

lot

of sex

at all.

Perhaps it's of the horror of how we

the way in which we

whore out

the whole of

our minds.

Sell our souls for

a bit of schar

make men's means to

make their beds

and as we're bleeding

bleeding

bled

make their means and

make their beds

end.

To their schemes

our dreams

have led

And in pro seed

dings of the dead

cum forth seeding

weeding

wed

Survivor

The relationship is intrinsically abusive

when the dynamic of power is

uneven.

shifted

slanted

in the direction of 

the smarter

the more powerful

the stronger, harder, longer

Survivor

Who could chew you up

and spit you out

and still have another

for dessert

You cannot compare

cannot hope to compete

with the meat

with which I

pick my

teeth

You don't know

cannot know

what it is to be 

free

fleeing

flinged

by me

on the wire

ride my fire

feel desire

Climb so 

high so

ever higher

Taste my body don't

touch my prior

scars and

mars and

mason jars. Where 

I store the hearts

in gorey parts

the carnage of

mens dear departs

Don't come close

I warn you.

Don't come near

my dear

Don't woo a woman

who feels no fear.

She'll burn you up

and leave you drowned

and before you've even

turned around

She's off there with

another

Beautiful Mind

Have you relished for a moment

In the majesty of truth

Have you trifled for a token

Of dear Holmes’ hearty sleuth

And in so doing ravaged

Like a warewolf’s bleating blooth

For The deep pulsated paradox

Of knowledge sweetened tooth 

Come hither to me darling 

As you play with knowledge near

Come closer to me, angel

As you close upon the rear

Of the moonlight in the morning

Deftly whisper in my ear

Of the magic of the morrow 

Of the magic that you hear

For your eyes are lightened, glistened

Sparkling ever through the night 

And if but for a moment, listened

To the deafness of your flight

Still I stand here now, so awed now

In the meadow of your mind

And I wonder if you falter

Will you leave me far behind

And I wonder at the alter

Will you keep me there, in mind

And I wonder as you halt her

Will you halt all that you find

And I pray that when you halt her

You will revel in your find

And I pray that when you halt her

You won’t leave me far behind

Thank Gd

Thank Gd for my freedom

Thank Gd for my soul

Thank Gd for this moment

and the muse that

makes me whole

Thank Gd for the 

wondrous wrapped up

wrinkle in the bowl

Of tomorrows medley soup thing

breaking bread

and salty fowl

Thank Gd for the memories

Memories cannot

hold me deep

Be king rivers

dare to keep

silent whispers

in the deep

creep-like sleep

the parakeet

that cannot speak

a beat

like miep

with secrets

now to 

keep

Thank Gd

I am 

lonely

Lonely arms

in

to the 

night

Gd alone has 

given me

the hunger 

that I 

fight

And as i 

ride the

river

weighing paths of

wrong and 

right

I wonder 

in your 

freedom

have you ever 

thought to

fight

or did the 

moments

bleed some 

and

send you

into

fright

Did you want more

than you read

come and

show me

what to

write

i cannot move

the pen

but for

the 

music

taking 

flight

Today was some

thing

dreadful

Today was 

some

thing 

real

So why 

can't I

break free off

all the 

sadness

that I

feel

If I

succumb

to 

sorrow

and

acknowledge

its ap

peal

I doom my

self to

know

ledge

and the

pain of its

re

veal

I doom my

self as

call

ledge

dooms it

self

and yet con

seals

The child life

around me,

it isn't an i'd

deal

I alone have

problems,

and a parent's

movie

reel

But that's not true for

problems

that 

require you to

feel

The marriage now

is 

over

The mare

ridge now is

dead

the marriage of de

nial

draping on our

mare

ridge

bed

The mare

ridge ends in 

try ale

and the 

sea crits that we

said

Despite the

ticking di

al

that your

turning

fingers

led

Until you

did it 

once

too much

and

vanished

in your 

stead

It's over now for

ever

over now and

i am

fine

I'm not

fine

but that is

fine

for the

fine

can never

shine

The light of some

one's

sorrow

as she

drowns her

woes in

wine

And in so 

doing

morrow

leaves a 

trail of

pain 

behind

To Match

Is it not lovely

when heart matches mind

when all that which is searching

is falling behind

and all that's left laughing

is searching so blind

like deadly deep daftly

like bind -

ing gone to whence it came

but I will never be the same

for when can ever be a shame

as dark and deep a drain

as when we turn to fear or fame

or fortune of the frame

Can it be a leg would last

or shedding off a deeper cast

like golden glove

like fractured glass

that cannot end

in brass

hopping wrong like death escaped

in sympathy I'm finally draped

but they know not the ladies raped

in waking wraths of grapes

I cannot pray but what I feel

and wondering if I was real

when I screamed and begged and bathed a meal

of bloodied studied veal

to heal concealed that's so surreal

a moment's glance but for to steal

a deadly dance to deal

a mother's moment to reveal

beneath what she was wearing

staring 

a poet's poem prayer-ing

and trying deep despair-ing

cometh forth for long time tearing

but tomorrow never caring

came through anyway.

A Whim

So now, a flex: I just had sex

and don't know how to feel

I feel it here beneath my bones

but wondering was it real

I cannot think or scarcely breathe

To breathe that is to feel

the deathly dread beneath my skin

the sheets cannot reveal

A dread of bed whilst yet unwed

as do all daughters deal

there is a toxic yearning waste

a wasted wrathly peel

So still I sit and stir and steep

my steeping stir surreal

why alas the night does pass

in passing does conceal

where I've not dared to look, alas

so crass this heart of steel

should I not care or feel a brass

too fast; too fast I feel

I feel it here and everywhere

but closeness, no I don't 

I don't know what to say or why

I stay so firm afloat

I feel perhaps a bit unclean

a wash resistant coat

but here I stand and do not glean

the richness as I gloat

I've don't the deed! I have been fucked!

To fuck so fucked again

I will be fucking now with those

those many steady men

for better or for worse, my heart

my heart is on the mend

but matters not what my heart's got

forgot not, it's pretend

remember now my reason why

my one all means' end

and so to fuck I'll fucking fly

the length my needs extend

I'd like to cum here, here and now

to cum here by his hand

to lust the very greed, I found

myself with empty gland

He's not fulfilled my need

so here I stand and grumbling grim

I wonder why I've done the deed

Why now? why this, why him?

Perhaps but for a fortune's creed

In climbing clitoral stim

I'll end this poem like his seed

My why was just a whim.