her name

There was a woman

And i didn't know her name

She was laying on the table

And i didn't know her name

She'd been sick maybe for a while

And i didn't know her name

Or maybe she'd been fine

Again

I didn't know her name

But i saw her on the table

And i saw her open chest

And i saw it when they took out

Took the heart beneath her breast

And i saw her laying there

Just saw her laying there to rest

And i saw the surgeon doing

Surgeon do his very best

Surgeon knows her name and family

Surgeon knows her awfully well

Awfully well to be inside her

In this raging pit of hell

He was frantic scared and livid

His own trauma burning too

No he could not lose this patient

Could not lose this girl he knew

But me? Me I didn't know her

I knew nothing after all

Couldn't know that when i left her

Deft sir reaper came to call

Didn't know she had a family

Parents people real to love

Didn't know her final prayer 

Her final moments from above

But still i saw her final heartbeat

Fore her heart forever still

And i realize im a monster

And i realize this is real

And i realize oh how dare i?

Dare i not 

Not know her name

And how on Earth now do i ration

O’-lies and idolize this pain

What on Earth this woman’s dying

She gave me no permission to be here

Be here in her open body

Be here at all.

Its wrong.

Im sorry.

And i wont do it again.

This i promise you 

39 year old woman

Who i don't know

Whose name i don't know

Whom i've never seen alive 

With her own heart in her chest

Im sorry.

I promise you

I will never again look inside a person

Without at least knowing their name.

hate

You hate me because i'm beautiful

you hate me becuase you

hate

you hate me because my thermostat

is something to ab

ate

and when you try to tell me that

i'm nothing

nothing

nothing and i'm late

well then my boy i'm sorry

if you've nothing to ablate

and if you find you lurking

for the nothing that you

take

then i'll just suppose your

morrow martyrs martyrdom to mate

and i'll try to make the difference

make the difference that i

make

but alas i'm left here standing

left here nothing

not too nake

-d and i've painted in the brushes

in the brushes of the snake

of the morrows mastered matter

and the morrows mastered make

for the masters of the matter

are the masters of the rakes

just to rake up all your dirty

and to rake up all you stake

and to rake up all the difference

of your ever coiling snake

and the difference made is nothing

that's the difference that i make

and the difference made is nothing

how ironic. what a take

and the difference made is nothing

how ironic and how fake

and the difference made is nothing

nothing 

nothing

so i'll wait 

the difference -

difference made is nothing.

i am nothing.

nothing.

fate.

Fig Trees

My mentor would hate this poem.

He doesnt like this sort of thing you see

Keep your head down

Do the surgery

Go home.

Live a life.

Leave.

Every man shall sit under his own vine

And fig tree

And no one shall make him afraid

My mentor has

A fig tree

Wisdom, its called

I think

Wisdom i dont have but wish

I did

Wisdom, perhaps i will

Acquire

Some day

If

Im not a fool

If

I learn from him

If

I pay attention

And stop needing

Attention

All the

Fucking

Time

If

If

If im brave enough to

Just cut and

Sew lines and

Save lives and 

Help and

Give and

Not need

Everybody

To 

Know

Wisdom.

He

my mentor

Is the greatest surgeon of our time.

Certainly of this generation

His hands

Dont

Move

Its Magic

To watch him 

But

Well

If you havent watched him in the OR

You would never know

Wisdom.

My mentor is

The greatest surgeon of our time.

Not flashy

Steady

Intentional in his life

In his research

Due ly diligent

Dualy in

his OR

Efficient

And

And he takes time

Precious time

Life-saving

Time

For me.

Invests in

His students

Invests in

Me.

So we must be important

Like his research

Like his

Surgery

He

Thinks we’ll

Save lives

Perhaps someday and gain wisdom

He’s

Planting fig trees

So he

at least

thinks

Theres hope for us after all.

I dreamed

 I found myself alone at sea

With only waves for company

And when at last i came ashore

There was no one

Just as before

And so i set myself to sit

And wait for him or them or it

And on and on with candle lit

Waiting for saving from perils pit

Until, at last i had to quit

To quit the sit be done with it

So up i stood

And got to work

I built a house

A home

A circ

-it of work like no one’s seen

I shocked myself

It was obscene

And convalescently i schemed

For rescue would not be

And sure, inside i dreamed away

I dreamed a horse a man a day

A day when he would come and say

‘You’re free. Let’s run away’

‘Be mine. See me and make me great

And care for me with arm and plate

And give me kids 

A home

A great

Many things 

I hate 

The many things i

Claim to hate

Im not a damsel

Times abate-

-ed long now past that

Fettered dream

A dream of home

And love of scheme

But no man yet has made me queen

Sure ive done the deed 

ive deftly dreamed

Put wig on pig and called it clean

But i cannot lie no more 

ive seen

Where that path goes

What that path gleans

And though the knight hath come my way

With sword in sheath and heart to say

‘Be mine my girl 

lets run away’

No thanks.

I’ll work today.